Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Q&A with Jack: How come Mr. Lincoln's bed is so tall??

I recently received a reader Letter:
Hey Jack,

I recently was a guest at the White House and stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom. You know how it features a bed that's about 12' tall?? What gives?

Curious
Well, Curious, that's a great question. I did some crack research and if you're ready.... boys and girls, here's the story:

It turns out that after several years of saving, Mary Todd Lincoln bought a very nice bed at a fine bed mercantile and as the mattress quickly got a dip in it, was forced to use her warranty to replace it with another mattress. The Lincolns returned to the mercantile to choose another bed.

Soon after, that mattress got a lump in the padding and had to be replaced as well. The Lincolns had to trudge to the mercantile to find a replacement and were required to find a different brand as the original mattress was no longer manufactured.
A third mattress got a dip that exceeded the standard and was replaced shortly with an exact model replacement.

The fourth mattress got a lump in the padding and was replaced when, yet again, the Lincolns were forced to choose a new model.

The fifth was fantastic. Both Mary and Abe loved the bed and had a good few years of nice sleeping on it until one day, dammit, someone spilled coffee on it and the mattress cover company was unable to remove the stain so they replaced the mattress (much to the chagrin of the Lincolns who cried the night they found out).

Once more the couple went to the mercantile, forced to find another model with which to replace the beloved bed. They found a lovely one that came from the Simmons Beautyrest Black line... a top of the line plush pillowtop with the most incredible support, yet due to the top it felt as if they floated on it each night.

Then they got a job in Washington and had to move.

When they got to the new digs (which you'd have figured someone could've taken the time to paint some color other than white!!) they found the sidewall of the mattress had popped out a bit. They each knew it would be an easy fix that either could have done with a simple needle and thread, but alas, to fix it would be to void the ever-important warranty.

With much hesitation, they contacted the store whose service area they now were no longer in and who told the Lincolns that they had to contact the manufacturer directly.

The manufacturer sent a representative to the bland house to make a report on the bed and he concluded that, indeed, the warranty would replace the mattress.

The kicker this time, however, was that the manufacturer told the Lincolns that they would not be swapping out the mattresses - but rather they could keep and/or dispose of the mattress in question at their leisure. 

The Lincolns, knowing a good thing, decided that a $3000 mattress is nothing to toss away so they got out the needle and thread, fixed the mattress, and had the new mattress (complete with warranty intact) delivered to them.

As they had no spare room at the time (no, they could not use the 'blue room') they had no idea what could be done with the (now) extra mattress and so they decided rather than risk bed-bugs or other storage woes, they would simply stack the mattresses until another solution presented itself.

The result of stacking two 16" mattresses on one another (on top of an 8" foundation) was a bed that required step ladders to get into.

Alas, dear reader, the worst part was the gag that the kitchen staff at the white house played on Mrs. Lincoln when they put a pea underneath the mattress robbing her of at least three nights' sleep before she realized the problem.

And that is how the Lincoln bed came to be so tall.

Copyright © 2010, Jackballs Blog.  All Rights Reserved.

Monday, December 13, 2010

What Jackball Decided Snow in the Country Was a Good Idea?

Snow sucks. That's all there is to it. 



Oh, sure it's pretty (at least for the first few days), but then it gets gray and dirty and slushy and then it freezes and gets icy. Add to that the fact that I'm sitting in lock up 15 miles from the nearest bit of civilization and I might as well be Jack Torrance running through a labyrinth. At least Jack had the run of the old inn. A pool table and a bar, you know?

Oh, what I'd give for a pool table and a bar. S--T!! How about a pool table IN a bar!

Well, one can dream. In the meantime, I have dial-up f---ing internet and the in-laws to look forward to.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull, boy!

All work and no play makes Jackballs!!

What do you think, loyal reader?


Copyright © 2010, Jackballs Blog.  All Rights Reserved.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Jackball Advice: Keep that Career or Enjoy a Corporate C--k-Block

Oh, sure you f-cked up, you Jackball, but fear not, there is still hope.


I've recently come to find out, while freezing my a-- off in a coffee house (that has been rated favorite coffee house in town for the last century, it would seem, by vacationing Inuit), that in a down economy when you're in a career that, as it turned out, is not as good as it was pitched to you when you started it 15 years ago, it's possible to find a way for someone else to subsidize your education so that you can go back to school.

This is win-win right??? Going back to college is the best way to get drunk, get laid, and ostensibly, to get paid more for that job that you hate to do. The challenge of the whole thing is to get the someone else to pay for it. 

So here's what I've found out: It would seem that there are a number of programs around that will allow you to get an Master's, MBA, JD, etc., with the following caveats:
  • You have to go to the school the Corporate b--tards tell you to, usually in the hometown of the corporate office of the company that's footing the bill (usually full tuition plus small monthly STIPEND)
  • You have to work a PAID internship for 10-15 hours per week (holy, s--t
  • You have to actually COMMIT to working for them for 2 years after you get the degree
Now I ask you, dear reader, would you want to go to school for free while earning a degree, while getting a job (and stipend) to help you through it, and then you're guaranteed a job afterward?

To quote jackball (and House Majority Leader-Elect) John Boehner, "HELL NO"!! 

That would totally SUCK. That would take all of the fear and loathing out of school. That would completely eliminate all that uncertainty about how you're going to pay off all of those loans which would, in turn, cause you NOT to put your head in the sand and live in a fantasy world of co-eds and free beer, but rather focus on studying and actually attempt to finish as soon as possible with the best education you can get before those corporate fat cats change their damn minds.


That's why I say it's a coporate c--k-block!!!


Well, there's always the other option - work your a-- off to find a job by taking meetings with an HR rep in an ice cold coffee house (no, I don't mean they're a coffee house that serves ice coffee. I mean, they do, but that's not the point a--hole!!) which might lead to another 10 or so years of work, OR you could go back to school, work your a-- off and then try to not be in a career that will shrivel up and die before anyone realizes that you're an old jackball who hasn't any real skills.



Copyright © 2009, Jackballs Blog.  All Rights Reserved.